In this highly selective and meticulously thought-out guide, I shall describe some of the jobs that I have always dreamed of doing. Hopefully, you too can share my dream and take away a new, special aspiration from this essential guide.
1. THAT PERSON WHAT NAMES NAIL VARNISHES ETC.
While waiting for interminably late friends in Bristol, I developed the habit of popping into Boots and looking on the undersides of nail polishes to see their special names. These ranged from things like ‘sexier than sexy’ to ‘emergency red’, but it wasn’t until I ventured into an Auckland mall and came across a red titled ‘don’t Socra-tease me’ and a green dubbed ‘at your Que-beck and call’ that I truly fell in love with this profession. Ideally, the new names would be delivered to the boss in a Bond-villain-esque Russian accent – imagine, ‘Da, Boss, this milky-white polish I call “lactating just 4 u”, you like?’. I certainly do like.
2. ICE CREAM VAN MAN/ ICE CREAM VAN WO-MAN
Yes, obviously, we can all understand the allure of tempting little children out into the street with the promise of tasty goods. But what could be more enjoyable than pulling up beside a school, ‘Greensleeves’ blaring away, then as the delighted, chubby-cheeked youngsters flooded out of the gates, just eating all your ice-cream in front of their piggy little eyes?! Excellent Schadenfreude! Probably less excellent karma though, but we can deal with that when we’re all beetles in our next lives.
3. MASTER PUN-STER FOR DREADFUL PUBLICATIONS
Because, really, we all want to write a Cheryl Cole/ Jordan/ assorted footballer/ Simon Cowell – based headline for ‘The Sun’. If in doubt, just use the word ‘gate’ instead of a pun to produce sufficient scandalous effect – e.g, ‘TITS-GATE’.
4. FRONT-PAGE EDITOR FOR TRASHY ‘REAL LIFE’ MAGAZINES
‘I was raped by a transvestite ghost!’, ‘My ex-boyfriend cheated on me with a marmoset!’ ‘I’m addicted to marrying fences!’ and ‘I am very egg-rieved: the story of an egg irritating me and ruining my confidence with snide asides’ – all titles we love to see on the front of ‘Pick me up’. But we’d love to write them even more!
5. JESSICA FLETCHER
Yes, it’s everyone’s favourite mystery-solver, the sexy sleuth followed by light-hearted and tastefully un-graphic gruesome murders. We too want an address book that seems to include a million relatives, including those special Irish chums of hers that have such believable accents. We too want to solve murders in the same way every week. We too want to throw our heads back and laugh at the end of every episode, usually for no apparent reason. And we too DEFINITELY want her wonderful wardrobe.
6. AGONY AUNT
Why oh why can’t we do a B.A in agony-aunting yet?! This is what’s really turning our once great society into the degenerate mess that we’re in now, with no real morals or......(for rest of sentence, see any ‘Daily Mail’ article). Basically, I want to give advice!!!!!
7. HOST OF ‘JEREMY KYLE’- STYLE SHOW
In running with the theme of the last utterly desirable job, why not take your gentle counselling to a whole new level?! We’re in England guys, there’s millions of useless people out there – we should be taking advantage of their misery by putting them on TV and making MILLIONZZZZ! Since we all know that all Jeremy Kyle is qualified in is being a massive tit, surely we can be tits too?!
8. AUTHOR OF ‘MILLS AND BOON’ –STYLE ROMANCE NOVELS
Because all of us could literally piss out at least one of these novels in about thirty seconds. For those of you less enlightened than I, every one follows this formula: girl meets boy, thinks he’s a prick but for some reason can’t stop thinking about him. Girl and boy get together - cue lots of adjectives and talk of nipples. Girl goes a bit mad and suddenly imagines boy is cheating on her/ about to move to Peru/ actually a mass-murderer and breaks up with him. Cue the abundance of the word ‘wrenching’. Girl stops being mad, girl and boy get married/ have kids. Expand on that, throw in lots of words like ‘thrusting’, ‘pulsing’ and ‘phallo-centric’ and Bob is literally your uncle.
And so ends this definitive guide to jobs we will always dream of having, but won’t ever know how to get. Yes, our lives will always be empty if we cannot find our deserved niches in one of these honourable professions, but cheer up guys! With your trusty BA in hand, there’s always teaching!
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